Hubbard's book covers 15 different tongue-related behavior issues: whining, lying, tattling, interrupting, teasing, complaining, bragging, and bickering all make the list. Some things, such as aggravating, probably aren't things you'd initially think of when it comes to "taming the tongue," but Hubbard makes it all fit under one umbrella. Each chapter follows the same format for addressing the issue:
Step 1: Getting to the heart of the behavior with heart-probing questions (understanding the real fault behind the behavior)
Step 2: Reproving your child biblically (using scripture to explain why the behavior is wrong)
Step 3: Training your child in righteousness (guiding your child to the correct behavior)
Easy enough to remember, and so far it all sounded great. And indeed, things started out well. The chapter on whining discussed teaching your child that God wants us to develop self control--including in the way we speak. Whining is not speaking with self control. Wait three minutes and try again, the right way. I liked that idea--we've been correcting E and making her ask nicely, but the three minute wait would hopefully reinforce the lesson a little better. Score one for Hubbard.
After that, though, I started to get uneasy with the advice. Every chapter had the parent quoting scripture at the child to show why a given behavior is wrong. Every reproof seemed to involve a long, drawn-out speech or explanation that no child would listen to all the way through. I could just see the kind of person this sort of approach would turn my child into: one who consistently tuned me out and who had a distaste for scripture because it was constantly being used as a weapon against her.
Don't get me wrong: I have no problem with using the Bible in the course of discipline. What I have a problem with is using it in a way that will make my child feel attacked and inadequate. And Hubbard's approach, in my opinion, would do that. If you're going to follow the three steps, I'd recommend being VERY careful with step two.
One other thing I'd like to talk about briefly is something Hubbard said in chapter five as she was discussing obedience. I was on board until she went through an example of executing step one with a child who ignored mom's instructions. I'll quote this section here:
"When your child ignores or verbally defies your instruction, take time to stop what you are doing and address it intentionally, kneeling and making eye-to-eye contact. This ensures that you have her full attention. You might say something such as, "Jenny, I instructed you to come to me. Did you obey or disobey?" After waiting for her to verbally acknowledge that she disobeyed, you might ask, "Sweetheart, how did you disobey?" Requiring Jenny to identify exactly how she disobeyed helps her to take ownership of the sin in her heart, which, in turn, helps her to recognize her need for Christ." (Emphasis mine.)
OK, I was totally with her up until that last sentence. While I agree that it is beneficial to help a child specifically identify what constitutes disobedience, I think it's a bit of a stretch to say that my three--year-old (or, in this example, five-year-old Jenny) is going to independently translate that into a recognition of her sinful nature and need for a savior. Do I think she's too young for a discussion along those lines? No. By all means, talk about how we need Jesus and the Holy Spirit to help us choose what is right. But there's a big jump from "What I did was wrong" to "I did wrong because I'm a fallen creature and I need Jesus to redeem me." I don't think it's one a young child will make on her own, and parents shouldn't assume that she will.
In general, the book is one I feel a little conflicted about. The concept is fine--we should teach our children the eternal reasons for why we do what we do. We should explain to them what God wants from us and why we should choose right thoughts and behaviors. We absolutely should bring our faith into every aspect of life and especially into our discipline. It's Hubbard's execution that gives me pause. We shouldn't use scripture as a weapon against our kids and we shouldn't preach at them. I just don't see that ending well for the parent OR the child.
I do think there's some value, however, in Hubbard's "getting to the heart" step. To go back to the whining issue, I hadn't thought about it in terms of self-control before, and that understanding was big for helping me talk to E about it. That's the case for several of the behaviors in the book. But I think it's important to carefully consider how to reprove your child, and Hubbard's way should be viewed with a critical eye.
No comments :
Post a Comment