Where to start when your upbringing didn't teach you how to build a family

Technically speaking, I am what people usually refer to as a "cradle Catholic." I was baptized as a baby, spent years in CCD classes, and was confirmed right on schedule. I even attended a Catholic school for a time. But don't let that fool you: my upbringing wasn't really all that Catholic. My family didn't attend Mass, didn't pray together, didn't observe holy days or saint feasts, and didn't really talk about faith in general. I was put through the motions (because as a kid in this setting, it certainly wasn't MY idea of a good time), but that was the extent of it.

On top of our lack of faith activity, my family had its share of issues in the bonding department. I remember lots of visits to Grandma and Grandpa's house a few hours from home, and one big trip to Disney World, and even a camping trip some time before that. Bright spots there, for sure, but not much in the way of day-to-day nurturing. Perhaps there was more of an effort made when I was too little to form a long-term memory? What I remember from the later years, however, is a whole lot of television, being on my own, and mutual disinterest.

My family also fought a lot. That's probably normal--families fight. But the four of us fought in truly awful ways. We were spiteful, vindictive, dismissive, cruel, even violent. Let me tell you, handling conflict like this doesn't set you up for success in any relationship. I didn't learn to fight "right" until after I was married--I still don't know how or why C ever put up with it.

Why am I airing all this dirty laundry on the internet? Well, because this rocky upbringing is, for better or for worse, one half of the foundation C and I are working with as we build our own family. The way I grew up influences the way I live and parent. And these three areas--faith life, family bonds, and conflict--are preeeetty major. Having what I call a "deficient background" in any one of them, much less all three, is hard to overcome. And if I'm not very intentional and extremely careful, it could spell disaster for my little family. The internet part is because I don't think I'm alone in this situation, and maybe someone else needs to see that. Or maybe, when I get down to my "resources" list below, you'll have something to add.

Family is important. God started the whole world, all of humanity, off in the context of a family. Family is where we are meant to come into existence and be educated and formed. It's supposed to give us our first foundation, our sense of belonging, our place of safe harbor. It's supposed to point us toward eternity and help equip us to get there. As parents, those architects of the individual family, we have a huge weight of responsibility on our shoulders.

But what if our own family didn't provide those things? What if we never learned what that looked like or how to create it? What if we're just wading into the ocean untethered, fingers crossed and desperately praying we'll find a way to float? 

That would be me. Hi there.

The truth is, I don't know how to nurture a rich faith life for my family. I don't know exactly what it looks like for a family to prioritize one another and commit to creating strong bonds. I am learning but still so shaky with proper conflict resolution, especially as it translates to discipline. I am treading water, y'all, but things could go south--fast--pretty easily.

Of course, there's a lot of information out there these days. Scores of books and internet articles offer all the answers you could ever want. The challenge is sifting through it all and identifying what will actually work and what's just fluff. (And SO much of it is just fluff.) That's a step.

Trial and error is also part of the process. It just has to be, there's no way around it. Because even if your family background provided you with tools that worked in that situation, it doesn't mean they'll work in this one. You try it out. You observe the results. You adjust going forward.

And there is prayer. Lots of praying. Constantly. Repeatedly. All the live long day. There is no way, even with the perfect childhood, that I could ever be a perfect parent. Toss in the hurdles I've got to jump during this race, and some days I feel like I should get on my knees and just stay there. Prayer is the most impportant tool I have, and it's the one I can always use immediately, in any situation, without stumbling over details or philosophies or logistics. It always fits.

But even with all of that, it's a long road. And it's one I feel I have to walk very carefully. Luckily, C's family upbringing was rather different from mine, and there's much we can draw on there. But C's still a guy, ya know? The mother in a household--at least, in ours--drives much, and she's got to know where she's going. When your upbringing fails to equip you for the task at hand, you go looking for other ways to learn. You gather resources, seek out anecdotes from other people, find a mentor if you can. Three years in to this mom gig and I'm still researching, stockpiling information, learning along the way. At this point I just assume it's a never-ending process and I'll be doing this in some shape or form for the rest of my life.

Below are a few things I've found thus far.

Resources

My first instinct is usually to look for a book. There's a book for that, right? I've already shared my list of worthwhile parenting books, but there are a couple more that specifically talk about connecting, living, and celebrating as a family.

The Year and Our Children
I haven't yet made it all the way through this one because I'm trying to take the time to consider what might actually work for us, and I'm sortof slow. But anyway. In this book, Mary Reed Newland shares ideas for living out the Catholic liturgical year with kids. It's an older book, first published in 1956, so some of the ideas can feel dated. But most of them, in my estimation, would still work well today. There's not always a lot of ideas for a given feast--sometimes just one, which is disappointing--but the book as a whole has already added a lot to my to-be-considered list.

The Idea Book for Mothers
This is a book lent to me by my MIL that I've been incredibly slow at reading. It also has ideas for feast days and such, but it contains a lot more ideas for day-to-day living. It's another somewhat older one--the edition I have says it's the third printing and is from 1981--but it's less obvious that with the Newland book. I find the ideas here to be simple and practical.

The Life Giving Home
The author of this book, Sally Clarkson, is most definitely not Catholic. As such, neither are the ideas she has here--but this book is more about seasonal living, and that's relevant for everyone. There are a LOT of ideas here. Honestly, reading them all made me wonder when these people have time to do anything except be the modern-day Brady Bunch. But the more ideas on the pages, the more ideas I as a reader have to choose from, so I count it as a positive.

The internet is also a good resource, and there are three blogs I've found that have good, helpful posts. 

Catholic Icing
Lots of good ideas, very heavy on the crafts. I'm not great in the crafting department--most of the time they seem silly and totally unnecessary to me. But there are times when a craft is just what you need. Catholic Icing has a TON of ideas and resources for that. She's also got a lot of information on homeschooling. I think her kids are attending school nowadays, but she's left all her old homeschooling posts up on the blog for readers.

Catholic All Year
This blog is a lot less crafts, a lot more discussion. She talks her family's life, books, culture, liturgical living, parenting, etc. The archives are rich, which is good because her posting is somewhat inconsistent.

Elizabeth Clare
This blogger is a convert to the Catholic faith, which gives her a unique perspective on things. She talks life, liturgical living, homeschooling, etc. Her posts are nicely meaty and useful.

Like I said above, I'm still gathering. If you know of any good resources, please share them!

Laying the groundwork

At three years old, E is getting to the point where family rhthyms and traditions and the like will start to make a significant impression on her. We're slowly implementing things as we go, trying to find the ones that are just right and also not get overwhelmed by taking on too much at once. I have to keep reminding myself that we're in it for the long haul, that things don't have to be picture-perfect to be good, and that it's an ongoing process. One step at a time.

In terms of living liturgically, as a relative newbie, it's easiest to start with the "highlight reel" of the year: seasons such as Advent, Christmas, Lent, and Easter. Mass is the obvious cornerstone for the major celebrations, adding additional activities as we're able. Last year we added in the St. Andrew Christmas novena during Advent--this mostly meant I prayed it, but E would occasionally participate with me. We also celebrated St. Nicholas's feast day and, of course, had our Advent wreath. Our Lent and Easter seasons centered around picture books, because E was two and it's a good place to start. This year I'm hoping to add more, and we'll slowly grow our repertoire over time.

In the day-to-day, I've found it easiest to start with one small thing at a time. One thing. Simple is best.

+ We say prayers each morning at breakfast--we say the same prayers every day. We also say grace before meals.

+ We say the same prayer before bed each night. We've added in "thank you" time, too, when E tells God thank you for specific blessings in her day.

+We have this set of crocheted roses--ten red ones and two white ones--that we use when praying the rosary. E lays a rose in front of our Mary statue for the Our Father (white rose), each Hail Mary (red roses), and the Glory Be (white rose). To be perfectly honest, when we do this we usually only do one decade. We'll work our way up to a full rosary eventually.

+ We talk daily about being a "good image of God"--reflecting love and holiness in the way we speak and act. (The phrase comes from the "Image of God" catechesis materials.) I like that this helps me correct E's behavior and connect it to our faith, but it doesn't make it seem like being Catholic is all about rules and things we can't do.

In terms of simply building strong family bonds, things seem to get a little less defined. The necessary things are broad ideas rather than concrete specifics. I know we need time together, focused attention, shared interests and activities, etc. I also think it's important to develop traditions that are meaningful to us as a family.

+ I try to fiercely protect our family time--at this point in our lives, that's not that hard. But it does sometimes mean saying no to things, even now.

+ I try to limit screen time for all of us. I'm far better at doing this for E than for myself.

+ I look for free or affordable local activities we'd all enjoy. Because C and I are basically polar opposites and E is a three-year-old, this is tricky. We don't make it out to these sort of events as often as I'd like.

+ We eat together at the dinner table. Again, E is three, so this isn't that hard. It will become more difficult, perhaps, as our kids get older and want to be involved in lots of activities and such.

+ C and I have discussed putting limitations on the number of activities our kids are allowed to participate in at any one time. We've also talked about avoiding activities that will significantly detract from or impact the quality of our family time (no club sports that necessitate constant traveling, for example). This won't matter for several years, but we're on the same page before the question comes up.

Thinking of how we'll nurture our relationships with each other is harder, because it's less about doing X, Y, or Z activity and more about having the right attitude, investing time and attention, and being present. It's an ongoing commitment and not a checklist.

Ok so, this is where we are. I feel like I'm standing at the very bottom of a big hill that most people I know are already climbing. Life can be intimidating like that sometimes. But not climbing is not an option. So we go up, one step at a time.