Talking to kids about handling their fears

Toddlers are afraid of all sorts of things: the vacuum cleaner, the dark, loud noises, swimming pools, going to the bathroom when we're out in public... the list goes on. And those are just the ones MY toddler is afraid of. If we took a public poll, I bet we could get quite the list going.

Of course, most kid fears are completely irrational. And sometimes, the work they put in to avoid their fear actually causes more issues (like avoiding public bathrooms and the resulting bladder explosions... not that I've had experience with this recently or anything). It can be frustrating as a parent trying to walk a kid through such things--sometimes I have to bite my tongue to keep from shouting "GET OVER IT!" But we're not supposed to dismiss a kid's feelings like that. (How would you like it if "get over it" was the response you got when confiding your fears?) Of course, going along with it isn't always an option, either. (She HAS to learn to use a public bathroom at some point.) So what's a parent to do?

1. Acknowledge the feeling.

Everything I've read has said the most important thing you can do is first acknowledge the feeling. Show the kid you understand that she's scared of the toilet. If you can, even point out why (It's loud when it flushes, isn't it?). Connect on this basic level before you do anything else.

P.S. If you want to read about this more in-depth, I suggest The Whole-Brain Child or How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen.

2. Be there.

Don't abandon your kid to deal with the scary thing on her own. Let her know you're there for her and are willing to help in any way possible. This might mean holding her hand, going first, helping her turn the light on, double-checking that dark corners aren't concealing any monsters, etc. Your presence and support are important.

3. Find a solution if possible.

E doesn't like loud noises, but she loves hanging out with Dad in the garage. The problem is, Dad's tools can sometimes be loud. So we give her noise-cancelling headphones to block it out. She thinks it's awesome. (In this particular case, it's also a hearing safety issue, but you get the idea.)

What about when you can't be their source of security?

It might be easy to do all this for your kid most of the time, but we all know there are times you can't be there to walk them through scary stuff. What's a kid supposed to do without you on the first day of school or in the middle of the night?

Hopefully, you've talked to them about how to problem-solve in those situations. But even if that's the case, there are some things that are scary no matter what. That's why, in our house, we also talk about prayer as part of dealing with what frightens or worries us.

I'll be honest, it took me a while to get to the point of teaching E to ask Jesus for help when she is afraid. I was always there to comfort and/or encourage her! But then she started waking up with bad dreams in the middle of the night, and a tired mama can only deal with that in her "usual way" for so long before she starts looking for other solutions. That's when the obvious finally clicked in my head and we started talking about praying when we are afraid. Better late than never, I suppose. Oops.

We also received a copy of "I'm not a scaredy cat!" by Max Lucado, which really helped reinforce the idea. The book features a little cat who is afraid of, well, a lot of fairly ridiculous things. A rubber duck, a marching band, a leaf falling from a tree, sprinkles on a donut... things that illustrate the point well enough but won't give your kid something new to be scared of. Each time the cat admits a couple of new fears (in rhyming text, by the way, which is good for kids--but if that's not your thing, be forewarned), he reminds us that there's a prayer we can say to remember that God is with good, God is with us, and God loves us. The prayer repeats several times throughout the story, too, so it'll really get ingrained in their little brains.

The book isn't one we're going to read over and over and over again like Corduroy or When You Give a Mouse a Cookie (E's current favorites), but I don't view it in the same light as books like that anyway. This particular story is better for helping parents illustrate a point--the power of prayer and how to use it in life's scary situations. I treat it like a lesson of sorts, and for that it's effective.

My point is this: teach kids to take their problems to God. It can start with a prayer when they're afraid, but it'll escalate as life gets bigger and more complicated for them. Teaching them to handle issues with prayer is teaching them how to keep Christ at the center of their lives.

Ok now tell me: what is your kid scared of?

P.S. I received the book for free for review purposes. All thoughts and opinions are my own.